The Line in the -er-Lawn

As a military spouse I have, by necessity (not choice) become good at solo survival skills. I know how to jump start a car. I know what to do when I get a flat tire in the middle of no-where at 5:30 on a Friday. I can balance the checkbook, pay the bills, and if needed do the taxes. I know how to evaluate investments, find sitters in a pinch and when to head for the ER. Minor plumbing or electrical issues--thank God for Duct tape. Ask any military spouse how they cope and you'll probably get a shrug and a "you do what ya gotta do" answer. Sure it often requires the medicinal dark chocolate Milky Way or rum and coke but we deal.

Until now.

I noticed that there are several round holes in my lawn. The helpful neighbor next door told me they are most likely from snakes digging burrows.

That's it, the house goes on the market, TODAY. By happy coincidence we are planning to move but even if we weren't the house would be sold. NO FREAKIN' WAY am I sharing living space with snakes. I have coped with sneaky lizards that dart around when you least expect it, the occasional well behaved rodent has even been offered food and lodging. Teacup sized cockroaches have many fine qualities. But snakes? Oh no.

This I WILL NOT DO! I don't care what type they are, I don't care how they help balance the delicate ecosystem. I HATE SNAKES. It's not rational, thus it can't be changed with familiarity or education. Heck even the Bible recognizes that they are evil. As far as I'm concerned Eve should have sent Adam after that snake with a shovel and ended it right there.

Let us pause while my blood pressure descends from the stratosphere.

Great, now I have to clean out the garage so I can enter and leave the house solely through the garage, avoiding all non-concrete areas. Please God let someone buy the house quickly!

Meanwhile I mounting an anti-snake defense that would have changed the outcome at Thermopylae. Fair warning to any snakes contemplating entering the fortress: I only missed expert marksmanship by two shots: one went through the groin and the other through the head. I hit what I aim at.

Please God, let the house sell quickly.