Snakes Alive--but not for long

If you have read this blog for any length of time you have probably gleaned a few facts about me: I am a complete nut-ball and I hate snakes. The first thing even a career politician couldn't deny because there is just too much evidence. Clearly, I'm missing a few bolts in my tool chest. As far as the second thing, well as far as I'm concerned, Noah should have just closed the Ark door a little sooner and saved us all a lot of worry. I would take a million hungry mosquitoes, giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches and knee deep rats before letting a small garter snake get within spitting distance. Sorry, that was a rather gross analogy.

In five years living in this hot swampy armpit of Florida we have had a few snake encounters. All have fortunately ended with my pledging undying gratitude to whatever hero vanquished the reptile in question. I have no idea why the City Officials declined to erect a monument to the exterminator who removed a cottonmouth from my front shrubs, surely he deserved at least a small parade!

The person who cuts the lawn needs no on-going contract-- he cemented his job when he asked if I would mind if he took home a snake he found to show his kids. Once he promised to NEVER bring it back I knew he was the lawn-cutter for me. (When Hubby wanted to start drastic money saving ideas and proposed eliminating the lawn service I will neither confirm nor deny sabotaging the lawnmower. If such sabotage DID occur, well the mower was old anyway.)

This weekend the kids screamed that a snake had taken up residence near their play set. The play set in question is a Rainbow and even though we got a demo model on clearance it didn't come cheap. Still it was a snake!

I had decided that since thankfully the house was already sold we could toss one of the kids out the back door as a diversionary sacrifice and then the rest of us could run out the front and jump in the car. Hey, I love the kids, but it was a SNAKE. Somebody had to take one for the team! Then we could drive to a very distant hotel and wait for the house to close. Sure we'd miss the other kid, but I'd be sure and start a family day honoring her sacrifice. The snake was welcome to the play set. Hubs would not be happy that a snake had won the play set, but he should have thought of that before leaving me alone in a giant swamp. And just for the record, removing all greenery and enclosing the backyard in concrete covered AstroTurf is still a very viable option that he was overly quick to dismiss. But whatever.

Since I wanted to be fair I had decided to put both kids names in a hat and we'd let fate decide who was gonna be a hero. The kids thought we were drawing for a special prize and were very excited. No sense having someone panic prematurely, am I right?

So imagine my shock and awe when the next door neighbor came over to BATTLE THE SNAKE! (That really should be read in a loud booming voice.) I hadn't even had time to beg or offer a kidney should he ever need one. Talk about a hero! The snake rose up like a cobra and attacked with lightning reflexes. The kids and I stood at the glass door and cheered the valiant hero risking life and limb to defend our home.

He struck! The snake dodged. We all clutched our hearts and prayed harder!

He took careful aim but the crafty snake cheated by climbing up the cedar leg and attempting to seek shelter where hoes couldn't go. The man persisted and even though the evil snake defied all logic--I swear it was still alive even though it had been beheaded. It still lived! It was no ordinary snake! Eventually it was dispatched and law and order were restored.

It wasn't until later that night while I was calming my nerves with a bit of Old Country medicine (just a wee nip!) that one of the kids brought up the scraped lottery and demanded to know who had won. I just smiled and didn't answer...best to keep my options open until we leave this snake infested swamp behind us for good.