What I've Learned...

What I've learned is that housework is easy--as long as your standards are low enough. Being a domestic underachiever has it's perks, but in order to assist those of higher moral character,I've complied a list of helpful hints to increase your domestic tranquility.
1. Don't use a can of Lysol to cover up burnt bacon. Two wrongs doesn't equal right, it equals a highly flammable pine fresh burnt bacon flame thrower.
2. Always remove the can BEFORE baking the ham. Home owner's insurance doesn't cover damage inflicted from ham bombs.
3. Gold fish bowls should never be cleaned over garbage disposals. At least not when the young owners are present.
4. Dusting is pointless and overrated. Let the dust bunnies' fight for supremacy control their population; it's easier to move every few years when they start to reach critical mass. Besides, in some countries they are a protected species.
5. One of each pair of socks has a deep desire to escape to Tahiti every full moon. There is no use trying to prevent this exodus, they have a footwear non-extradition treaty.
6. Your pets will most love the people with the worst allergies, so don't bother vacuuming before they come over.
7. Judge not other people's children lest yours be judged.
8. Butter fights are openly known grounds for justifiable homicide.
9. Noisy kids are fine; sudden silence probably means your good china has been involved in a fatal accident with no witnesses involving permanent markers and holes in dry wall.
10. All people who market foods to kids that contain red dye should be dipped in honey and hung over biting ant hills, preferably during heat spells.

It's hard to believe Martha hasn't come calling, isn't it?

Ask your father to feed you...

A good friend of mine is in the middle of a nasty divorce. (Really, is there any other kind?)Since we both have kids that play for the same school I recently watched her and her soon to be Ex.

First they were in different parts of the field, causing their kids to run back and forth between camps like civil war scouts. Since this lovely character building athletic event took place in near arctic conditions, well Florida's version there of, I listened to her debate whether they both had to be there. Her debate weighed the merits of parental support versus freezing your tuckus off in drizzle. I mean get real what parent actually enjoys standing around waiting hours just to see their own kid for 2.7 minutes?

Anyway, she was worried about leaving because her kids already see dad as the hero---it doesn't matter who leaves first apparently, just who can afford to continue cable TV service. This whole debate broke my heart. What sort of society do we live in where kids have to decide who is the better parent and their every small action is taken as proof for one side or the other? Especially since kids can usually be counted on to serve their own best interests.

It makes me very glad to know that no matter how much I screw up the raising of my own children, at least I never pit them against their father or ask them to take sides. This is a good thing since I am positive both hubs and I would come out the losers in a battle against the kids. I know divorce is common, it carries no social stigma any longer, and all parties are free to seek "personal happiness" now, but I wonder if maybe as a society we ought to rethink our position on this issue.

After all, if you don't have a dedicated partner in the child rearing gig, most likely you will have to attend every cold drearily raining game yourself and you won't just be able to flip for it like nice intact families do.

Old Fashioned Trading Post

I've read books about life during the pioneer days in America. It sounds as though people seldom had cash but they often bartered for things they needed. This idea has gone out of style but it's a shame because bartering can equal great deals.

The first thing to realize is it really only works when both parties are satisfied. Or as any cat knows, don't poo where you sleep. Ripping somebody off not only puts you on the fast track to an all expense paid trip to an eternal vacation in a hot spot, but even if you lack morals, it still doesn't make sense. See people realize when they get hosed and that makes them less likely to ever help you again. Plus they talk to other people and soon you're on your own. So the most important rule is to always find a way so that both parties get something they want.

Maybe you know how to cut hair. Maybe you sew. Maybe you have an eye for designing or making freezer meals. Maybe you love to iron--don't snicker some people do! Maybe watching kids doesn't make you wish fervently for valium, chocolate, and ear plugs. Do you play an instrument? The point is that most everybody has something they can offer. The trick is meeting people who can do something you can't.

From making cakes to piano lessons, instead of reaching for your checkbook try making a deal with somebody and trade in the currency of talent instead of greenbacks. You'd be surprised how well bartering can work. Just remember the Golden Rule and you'll save gold as well as friends.