What I've Learned...

What I've learned is that housework is easy--as long as your standards are low enough. Being a domestic underachiever has it's perks, but in order to assist those of higher moral character,I've complied a list of helpful hints to increase your domestic tranquility.
1. Don't use a can of Lysol to cover up burnt bacon. Two wrongs doesn't equal right, it equals a highly flammable pine fresh burnt bacon flame thrower.
2. Always remove the can BEFORE baking the ham. Home owner's insurance doesn't cover damage inflicted from ham bombs.
3. Gold fish bowls should never be cleaned over garbage disposals. At least not when the young owners are present.
4. Dusting is pointless and overrated. Let the dust bunnies' fight for supremacy control their population; it's easier to move every few years when they start to reach critical mass. Besides, in some countries they are a protected species.
5. One of each pair of socks has a deep desire to escape to Tahiti every full moon. There is no use trying to prevent this exodus, they have a footwear non-extradition treaty.
6. Your pets will most love the people with the worst allergies, so don't bother vacuuming before they come over.
7. Judge not other people's children lest yours be judged.
8. Butter fights are openly known grounds for justifiable homicide.
9. Noisy kids are fine; sudden silence probably means your good china has been involved in a fatal accident with no witnesses involving permanent markers and holes in dry wall.
10. All people who market foods to kids that contain red dye should be dipped in honey and hung over biting ant hills, preferably during heat spells.

It's hard to believe Martha hasn't come calling, isn't it?