Saying Goodbye

I have been very blessed to have possibly the world's sweetest cat for 14 years. Barney is just about the perfect pet. He is unfailing mellow, tolerant, and always friendly. His nickname is "the big gold rug." True to this name, all he wants to do is lie in your lap;petting is good but optional. He just wants to be close to you.

I have always said that I would never subject pets to extraordinary measures. I feed them premium food and make sure they get all their check-ups but that is it. When their time is up, I always felt that a humane death was the last great gift you give a beloved pet.

Until now.

Now I face Barney having a serious but somewhat treatable disease. He is diabetic. Turns out that all those years feeding him premium kibble may not have been in his best interest. More and more vets now say that wet food is best. High protein and low carb. Now they tell me.

Doesn't help much.

I'm not sure if keeping him alive now is in his best interest or mine. How do you draw the line? I had to put one cat to sleep because he had a fatal heart birth defect. Even though it tore my heart to tiny shreds that choice was clear cut. Science had nothing to offer. I had to just cuddle him as he licked my hand and died.

Barney isn't so clear cut. I mean he's an elderly cat but he's basically healthy. Mostly. He doesn't have some giant heart problem or tumor that I could say, "ok, pal, it's the end of the line."

All this because there isn't enough going on in our life right now.

I guess it's a good thing I have that expensive nursing education. I understand the disease process and the basic treatment. I know how to check blood sugars and give insulin shots. Sure, I've never checked a blood sugar on a cat's ear, but if I can do a squirmy kid I ought to be able to manage a 10 pound cat. Maybe.

The truly hard part is knowing wether treating him is really for his benefit or mine. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. Would it be better to just let him slip off to sleep? Is wanting to keep him the ultimate selfish act? Maybe if Hubs was home I would have some more perspective and balance. But for the last 6 months I have fallen asleep stroking Barney's soft fur. For some reason I never worried about noises so much as long as Barney was lying next to me.

Not that the Rug was at all a "watch cat." He is helpful only because if there is really a noise he will run and I will have warning. But aside from the fact that he is a chicken, there is just something comforting about not being alone.

So please pray for Barney and pray that I find the wisdom to do what's really best for him. He's been a very good friend, he deserves that at least.