The Evils of Diet Coke

First let me say I am a huge fan of Diet Coke. It is my "pick-me-up" of choice. Sure I have read all the stuff proclaiming that artificial sweeteners are causing everything bad in my life from high taxes to the annoying boil on my butt.

But the FDA says the stuff is safe.

No government agency would ever make a mistake right?

OK, that may have been just a tad more bitter sounding than I was aiming for.

Diet Coke. That's today's topic. While Hubs is gone I have been super careful to limit myself to no more than 1/2 a can no later than noon. I never sleep very well when he's gone (I must be a masochist because I SHOULD sleep better with all the room, covers, and no midnight sneak attacks where I am the poor helpless victim he wrestles while dreaming about being a superhero. BTW that wasn't a reference to some rated R thing. He is just a restless sleeper.)

But as most military spouses will tell you, you just don't sleep that well during a deployment. So I have skipped my soda (UGH! We drink POP where I come from! How did the Florida soda thing sneak in?) while he is away hoping to sleep a bit better.

Sometimes it even works.

Last night after hearing that our closing is delayed, and might be for some time, I was so bummed I had a Diet Coke by the pool. I should have laced it with a splash of something medicinal but the only stuff I have here at the condo is an unopened bottle of Champagne and my dad's Christmas scotch. The scotch is my contemporary. It was a tad pricey which is sick and wrong since it tastes like, well pretty close to rubbing alcohol. Dad, being a connoisseur, disagrees with that assessment but as I prefer my alcohol flavorless or preferably completely obscured by frozen fruity goodness, I didn't put any in my coke. (Alcohol that tastes like tropical fruit doesn't count, right? Not when it comes completes with a full serving of fruits! Are there still antioxidants in Pina Colada mix? Of course there are, right?)

So I had one can. Big deal. I still went to sleep on time so take that!

Until I woke up at midnight. But it was a really refreshing one hour nap. So refreshing in fact that I couldn't go back to sleep. Ever.

I checked my emails.

I did a load of dishes.

I checked the kids' math assignments.

I got a great work-out in. I call it the amazing contortionist flop like a fish dying on shore T-91 plan. Watch for it on infomercials! It involves rearranging pillows in time to music while maintaining a steady left-right-middle rotation. Every few seconds you strain around and check the alarm clock to verify that you are still awake. Feel the burn!

Finally I got up at 5:30 and did the cat's shot.

You can see it coming right?

Afterwards I was so tired I immediately went back to sleep where I had insanely vivid dreams involving meat packing plants gone horrible wrong and being chased by masked bandits through the old west. The second time I sat straight up, breathing heavy, gasping for breath, and praying it was only a dream I decided to skip any more rest, thank you very much.

I'm pretty sure the intense burning pain setting my chest ablaze and radiating through my arm was heartburn as a second gift from the Coke. If it was actually a heart attack I want to go on record as being staunchly a DNR. If I drop dead soon and somebody brings me back, especially before the house closes, well let's just say the curse of Seamus O'Higgins and his giant pox will be upon you.

Bottom line? No more Diet Coke until Hubs gets home. Strictly diet chocolate for my future mood modification needs. If only diet Valium was available without a prescription...