What I've Learned...

What I've learned is that housework is easy--as long as your standards are low enough. Being a domestic underachiever has it's perks, but in order to assist those of higher moral character,I've complied a list of helpful hints to increase your domestic tranquility.
1. Don't use a can of Lysol to cover up burnt bacon. Two wrongs doesn't equal right, it equals a highly flammable pine fresh burnt bacon flame thrower.
2. Always remove the can BEFORE baking the ham. Home owner's insurance doesn't cover damage inflicted from ham bombs.
3. Gold fish bowls should never be cleaned over garbage disposals. At least not when the young owners are present.
4. Dusting is pointless and overrated. Let the dust bunnies' fight for supremacy control their population; it's easier to move every few years when they start to reach critical mass. Besides, in some countries they are a protected species.
5. One of each pair of socks has a deep desire to escape to Tahiti every full moon. There is no use trying to prevent this exodus, they have a footwear non-extradition treaty.
6. Your pets will most love the people with the worst allergies, so don't bother vacuuming before they come over.
7. Judge not other people's children lest yours be judged.
8. Butter fights are openly known grounds for justifiable homicide.
9. Noisy kids are fine; sudden silence probably means your good china has been involved in a fatal accident with no witnesses involving permanent markers and holes in dry wall.
10. All people who market foods to kids that contain red dye should be dipped in honey and hung over biting ant hills, preferably during heat spells.

It's hard to believe Martha hasn't come calling, isn't it?

Ask your father to feed you...

A good friend of mine is in the middle of a nasty divorce. (Really, is there any other kind?)Since we both have kids that play for the same school I recently watched her and her soon to be Ex.

First they were in different parts of the field, causing their kids to run back and forth between camps like civil war scouts. Since this lovely character building athletic event took place in near arctic conditions, well Florida's version there of, I listened to her debate whether they both had to be there. Her debate weighed the merits of parental support versus freezing your tuckus off in drizzle. I mean get real what parent actually enjoys standing around waiting hours just to see their own kid for 2.7 minutes?

Anyway, she was worried about leaving because her kids already see dad as the hero---it doesn't matter who leaves first apparently, just who can afford to continue cable TV service. This whole debate broke my heart. What sort of society do we live in where kids have to decide who is the better parent and their every small action is taken as proof for one side or the other? Especially since kids can usually be counted on to serve their own best interests.

It makes me very glad to know that no matter how much I screw up the raising of my own children, at least I never pit them against their father or ask them to take sides. This is a good thing since I am positive both hubs and I would come out the losers in a battle against the kids. I know divorce is common, it carries no social stigma any longer, and all parties are free to seek "personal happiness" now, but I wonder if maybe as a society we ought to rethink our position on this issue.

After all, if you don't have a dedicated partner in the child rearing gig, most likely you will have to attend every cold drearily raining game yourself and you won't just be able to flip for it like nice intact families do.

Old Fashioned Trading Post

I've read books about life during the pioneer days in America. It sounds as though people seldom had cash but they often bartered for things they needed. This idea has gone out of style but it's a shame because bartering can equal great deals.

The first thing to realize is it really only works when both parties are satisfied. Or as any cat knows, don't poo where you sleep. Ripping somebody off not only puts you on the fast track to an all expense paid trip to an eternal vacation in a hot spot, but even if you lack morals, it still doesn't make sense. See people realize when they get hosed and that makes them less likely to ever help you again. Plus they talk to other people and soon you're on your own. So the most important rule is to always find a way so that both parties get something they want.

Maybe you know how to cut hair. Maybe you sew. Maybe you have an eye for designing or making freezer meals. Maybe you love to iron--don't snicker some people do! Maybe watching kids doesn't make you wish fervently for valium, chocolate, and ear plugs. Do you play an instrument? The point is that most everybody has something they can offer. The trick is meeting people who can do something you can't.

From making cakes to piano lessons, instead of reaching for your checkbook try making a deal with somebody and trade in the currency of talent instead of greenbacks. You'd be surprised how well bartering can work. Just remember the Golden Rule and you'll save gold as well as friends.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow....what?

This summer Hubs and I celebrate 15 years of togetherness. Wow. Time flies and all that jazz. We've learned a lot, him and I. For example we learned to agree to disagree about the proper way to squeeze toothpaste. It's far better to get an extra tube than sweat the small stuff. We learned that we hurt each other more than we'd like in matters big and small but time and commitment heal wounds. Basically we learned never to quit on the same day. Aside from the fact that I could only ask for a divorce on even days and he could only agree on odds, there is one other little thing that keeps us to together. A blood oath we swore when we first got married. Whoever leaves first has to take the kids. So yeah, we're life-ers.

Actually please forgive my hubris here, but I have to say I picked a good one. He's loyal, hard working, supports us very well, puts up with me and my crazy ideas (and more often than not figures out how to finish said ideas)and he makes me laugh. We are so far from perfect we almost come back around to it. I mean really what more could you ask for?

Sometimes I think being a military spouse has cemented our relationship. There is nothing like losing your spouse for months at a time to make you appreciate them. Trust? Sign over rights to everything you own and then leave the country. True love isn't a Disney movie. It's sticking it out through whatever life throws at you, the good, the bad, the ugly, the expensive, and the stupid. It's not about what makes you feel good. It's an investment. You put in pennies at a time and over decades you grow a relationship more precious than gold. People think they can "find" that somewhere. That is why the divorce rate is so high. You can't find the perfect relationship that is going to make you happy and fulfilled. You CREATE it with blood, sweat, tears and shared stories. It's like investing $10 and wondering why you aren't a millionaire. I am just glad I had the wisdom to look at the raw material and see what we could create together. I love you Babe, come home soon!

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Ham Hocks to Financial Freedom

Last night we (OK, just my devoted hubby) did the taxes. While we had been anticipating the worst-nothing like taxes to bring out your inner pessimist-it looks like we will get an unanticipated refund. We plan to use it to pay off our car. When we (yeah, just him of course) ran the numbers last night it looks like we will be debt free by late summer.

This got me thinking about the financial journey we have taken as a couple. I remember how when we first started out we were poor. Maybe not compared to third world countries, but we had college debt, car payments, house payment, credit card payments, you name it. We would often try and economize with the food budget. One such effort involved me making Navy Bean Soup. This was a soup I had fond memories of as a child. My great-grandmother used to make it and it was one of those comfort food things. So I thought, beans are cheap, I'll make a big batch and freeze the left overs and we will have inexpensive meals in the freezer.

Great idea. If only. If only I knew that using 5 pounds of dry navy beans makes A LOT of soup. If only I knew you had to soak the beans over night first. If only I knew how much ham hocks like like human knuckles. (It still makes me shudder.) But never one to back down from a challenge I got out my 5 gallon pot and started cooking.

Well.

When it was "done" I had five gallons of bean jell-o (the beans were still crunchy) flavored with greasy bones that when you stirred the soup looked like knuckles floating by. Who wants the recipe? Not only did we chuck the entire thing, but we both felt maybe we should bury it in the backyard and read some scripture over it. Even the thought of going hungry was better than eating that soup. At the time of course I was in tears over the whole fiasco, but looking back we both laugh over the attempt. In fact if I ever want to eat out, all I have to do is threaten 'bean soup' and hubs RUNS for the car keys.

Oh how far we've come. BTW, in case anybody would want to give me their awesome recipe for bean soup, don't waste your time. No matter how good it is, neither one of us has the courage to try it ever again. Ever, ever, EVER again.